


I wrote a song that no one knows

by Woodpeltneko (Woodpelt_the_pussycat)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: ? - Freeform, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst without a Happy "Ending", Bad End fics hidden in a good end fic, But also, But the real ending is happy dont worry, Cliche, Cliche deaths, Coping, Cutting, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depression, Dungeons & Dragons Spells, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Not Beta Read, Poison, Poisoning, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, and not in a cool or sexy way, arsenic - Freeform, is that tag supposed to be for "problematic" content?, misuse of magic, non-verbal communication, please don't read if you're easily triggered, reference to the Glamour Springs incident, repeated references to elf ears, the starblaster, wordcount: 4.000-5.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24705145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woodpelt_the_pussycat/pseuds/Woodpeltneko
Summary: "Maybe he just liked feeling bad for himself.When he swallowed he realized belatedly that he might vomit before it could kill him. Then again… vomiting didn’t seem to do much good for those people. It hurt, even through the haze of alcohol.oh, shit. Would Kravitz have to take him to the astral plane?"ORTaako tries to kill himself exactly once after the stolen century, and then recounts his previous attempts (and successes) to Kravitz.--BIG BIG TW for suicide and self-harmPLEASE don't read this if you're easily triggered.
Relationships: IPRE Crew | Starblaster Crew & Taako, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 85





	I wrote a song that no one knows

Taako’s memory has been spotty since Story and Song. He remembers the important things, he remembers all the things that would hurt to lose again, but the details are all a bit fuzzy. Maybe it’s that he has two versions of his earlier memories, maybe it’s that his mind is older than his body, or maybe he was always going to end up being forgetful. Being drunk does no favors for his memory.

So he probably shouldn’t have been drinking. At least not alone. And he definitely shouldn’t have been making decisions while drunk and alone. But it was his go to when he started to spiral. It definitely wasn’t healthy, but hey, he had earned a bit of unhealthy behavior. 

So maybe that’s why he did it. He wasn’t thinking straight. He was drunk and his fuzzy memory latched on to his old mindset. He couldn’t stop thinking that at worst he would wake up in a year. His plan was messy and he didn’t really think it would work. He was drunk and his memory was flakey. 

That didn’t explain why he had the, the, the… poison… in the first place. He would try to argue that he didn’t remember buying it, but painfully, he did. It had been compulsive. The label stuck out among the others in the apothecary and… he just bought the damn thing. He had immediately felt bad and shoved it in the bottom of his dresser drawer. But… maybe he had been thinking about it when he bought it. He could have a taste of his own failure. 

Maybe that was part of it. Maybe he still blamed himself for those deaths. Maybe it was just in his nature to feel guilty. Maybe, maybe, maybe… Maybe he just liked feeling bad for himself. 

When he swallowed he realized belatedly that he might vomit before it could kill him. Then again… vomiting didn’t seem to do much good for those people. And he hadn’t measured anything this time. It wasn’t even diluted into food or water. 

It  _ hurt _ , even through the haze of alcohol. He thought vaguely about wonderland, comparing the pain to when he had been crushed by machinery. And then, oh, oh,  _ shit _ . Would  _ Kravitz _ have to take him to the astral plane? But somehow the thought doesn’t stick. He feels dizzy, tired, he can’t move from where he’s lying against the bed. Oh.  _ Oh _ . It feels familiar. He’s died so many times now, and those last moments feel the same. He’s not worried anymore. He just feels vaguely proud of himself for not vomiting. 

Just as he’s slipping into darkness, he hears a rift open, three blurry shapes rushing out. Three distinct voices surround him, each with varying levels of panic, worry and disbelief. 

For a moment, Taako thinks he sees Istus. It’s so brief, he can’t be sure if she’s real. But for that brief moment, she looks so worried that even the calm haze of death breaks into concern. 

And then he doesn’t see anything. But the concern stays. He can still feel it, why won’t it go away? Death was always calm. Wait,  _ shit. _ Is he not staying dead? No, no, no. He can’t handle this. He knows, suddenly, that his boyfriend and sister will be at his side when he opens his eyes, and no, no no no no. He doesn’t want to confront this, especially not as sober as he suddenly feels, and oh  _ gods,  _ they made him throw up, didn’t they? 

It hits him hard that he can feel again. Like, actually  _ feel, _ with his body. He’s all tense and he can feel that his eyes are squeezed shut, and he’s way too warm, someone is holding his hand too tight and someone is sitting next to where he’s lying down. 

His free hand twitches, pointing one finger towards his body. He thinks the incantation for Sleep really hard. As expected, nothing changes. It looks like he really isn’t getting more time away. 

He squeezes Kravitz’s hand back. 

“Taako?”

“Oh shit,” Lup says quietly. 

“Are- Taako, are you- are you awake?” Gods, Kravitz sounds so broken. 

Taako forces his body to relax a bit. He doesn’t open his eyes yet, but taps once against Kravitz’s hand. Kravitz drops his head against Taako’s hand and breaths out a sigh of relief. Lup touches his shoulder. 

“Koko, please, we don’t have to talk right away, but please, will you open your eyes for me?” Lup asks, and  _ her voice _ . Her voice is absolutely wrecked. 

He sighs. He turns his head to press his face into the pillow.

Taako slowly opens his eyes, not looking up at either of them. He hears Lup gasp lightly and she takes his free hand in hers, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles repeatedly. He can’t tell if she’s trying to ground  _ him  _ or  _ herself.  _

It takes a day for Taako to eat again. It takes two painful days for him to hug Kravitz again. It takes three days to get him to say anything. It takes four for him to get the taste of arsenic out of his mouth. It takes six for him to leave his room for more than five minutes. A week to get him to engage in a full conversation. 

It’s been two weeks. 

“Love, I understand if you need more time, but can we talk about it?”

Taako stiffens in his loose hold. They’re cuddled up on the couch. 

Taako swallows thickly. He can’t even open his mouth. He presses his lips together, fighting with himself. He knows, he  _ knows _ he has to talk about it eventually, but how can he even approach it? Gods, he can’t even bring himself to name it in his head.

He looks at Kravitz.

Kravitz looks back. 

Taako holds up a finger, standing up abruptly. He grabs a paper and pencil before he can chicken out and writes ‘ I can’t  What do you want to know?’

Kravitz looks confused for a moment. Taako taps at his own lips, trying to convey the rest of ‘I’m too emotionally overwhelmed to speak’ with his expression. Kravitz gives a slow nod. “I just, I- Taako, why?”

Taako looks away, shrugs. He can’t answer  _ that _ . He’s too, too… he just can’t answer that. 

Kravitz sighs. “Was that the first time you’ve… tried to kill yourself?”

Taako winces. He shakes his head, no, it wasn’t. 

Kravitz makes a sound like he’s choked. “Taako, Taako, I-“ he pauses. “Taako, did you, did- were any of the times you died…?”

He doesn’t have to finish the question for Taako to start nodding. Taako raises a finger for Kravitz to wait. He writes. ‘A few times. Lup died w/o me in cycle 54. They couldn’t stop me. Did it a few more times after.’

Kravitz looks… he looks gods damn heartbroken. Taako pulls him into a tight hug. ‘I’m here,’ he hopes it says. 

“Tell me, please?” Kravitz asks. 

Taako raises an eyebrow at him. 

“I- I know it’s weird and, and, sort of messed up, but I think I would feel better if I knew… about those times?” 

Taako grabs his paper. ‘It would take a long ass time like this, maybe later?’

“Oh,” Kravitz says quietly. He hugs Taako gently. “Maybe later, then. Maybe when you can use your voice.”

Taako nods in a way that feels more like a promise than anything he’s ever promised out loud. 

Life goes on. Lup visits a lot more, Magnus extends every invitation he can, Barry sends trinkets to him, Davenport writes letters, Merle shows up unannounced a few times. There’s a suspicious lack of alcohol in his house. Taako avoids cooking, avoids drinking, avoids the stores, the downtown area, the main roads, outside in general. Kravitz stays with him much more than before. Taako can’t really bring himself to wonder how he makes the time to be there, assuming that the reapers have shuffled their workload. Kravitz keeps Taako eating, tries to make him comfortable. 

It's been a month. 

Taako flops down on the couch next to Kravitz and takes the book he’s reading. He looks at the book for a moment, then tosses it to the coffee table carelessly. 

“Taako?”

“Cycle 54,” Taako states without any preamble. 

Kravitz snaps to attention, suddenly serious. 

~

Lup Barry, and Davenport had volunteered to go on the retrieval mission. They had located the Light, at this point it had only been a matter of getting it from the thickly wooded area. In hindsight, they probably should have sent Merle, but then, there hadn’t been any sign of dangerous creatures around. 

Taako had been in the kitchen when they got back. When Barry and Davenport had gotten back. He doesn’t remember much about the first day without her. He just sat in her room, surrounding himself with the memory of her. He assumes Barry hadn’t been much better off, but then again, Barry wasn’t the one to off himself. 

Taako hadn’t eaten in a week because what was the gods damn point? He wasn’t helping anyone, wasn’t pulling his weight. There was no point in burdening the crew with his grief, no point in  _ being  _ there. He had made his choice before the others even realized that they might want to keep an eye on him.

Without Lup, Taako was nothing. He thinks he used magic that time? Maybe not? No, the first time, he had just bled himself out. He hadn’t wanted it to take too long to find his body. No, that would be cruel. And gross. 

He locked himself in one of the communal bathrooms on the ship, sat against the far wall and cut himself. He wasn’t really aware of the pain that time, just the crushing, heavy emotions. He was alive just long enough to hear someone pounding at the door. Someone panicking outside, someone calling out. 

Time wasn’t the same in death. It was hazy and passed quicker. It wasn’t instantaneous, they did have some respite between death and the start of the next cycle, but it wasn’t the full time. At least, that’s how it was for him. They didn’t like to talk about it. 

When he got back, at the start of cycle 55, he didn’t expect half the crew to lock him in a tight hug. Lup looked puzzled, and he reached for her.

“Did we get it?” Lup asked as she held onto his hand. 

The others finally released him.

“Yeah, we did,” Davenport answered. 

Barry looked at Taako, uncomfortable. Lup frowned.

“What happened?” she asked. Taako let go of her hand and Blinked away, down the hallway. 

“Taako?” Lup asked from the doorway. He had gone to her room by accident, out of habit, maybe on purpose. He didn’t remember.

He pulled her pillow over his head. She sat down on the bed next to him. “C’mon, bro, let's talk.”

His ears twitched against the pillow. 

“Okay, I’ll talk,” she said. “I was worried something like this might happen. I thought one of us would die, and the other wouldn’t be the same for the rest of the cycle. I know it's hard for us to be apart, but… Taako, this is different.”

He presses the pillow down over himself harder.

“Taako, I… Look, I don’t exactly know what made you react that way, but I know what it’s like to have those thoughts, Taako. You know that,” Lup said. She put a hand on his shoulder. “Can you maybe tell me a bit more about, you know, why you made that decision?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Taako mumbled into the pillow. 

“What doesn’t matter, Ko?”

Taako made a frustrated noise, threw the pillow at her. She caught it easily. “It doesn’t fucking matter, I’m back!” 

Lup made a similar noise, her ears twitching in annoyance. “So you’re telling me you wouldn’t have made that decision if we weren’t stuck in these cycles?”

The silence that followed was heavy and painful.

“Taako, you know that I care about you? And that everyone else does too?” 

Taako nodded, knowing that wouldn’t change anything if it happened again.

In cycle 55 he was reckless. He wouldn’t hurt himself on purpose, but… he got hurt a lot. He avoided Merle’s healing as much as he could. He threw himself into battle almost as much as Magnus did. He stayed closer to the action even when Lup or Barry or Lucretia would try to yank him back. 

He didn’t hurt himself that cycle though. 

Cycle 57. Lup had a close call with a particularly hostile giant lizard thing. That was how he justified it in his head. That set him off. 

Taako started fighting recklessly again. He got hurt pretty bad in that battle too, but snapped at Merle when he offered to heal him. He retreated to his room with bruises and scrapes that would have hardly been anything for Merle to heal. 

That was it. He stared at the cuts and bruises on his arms. Surely nobody would notice if… 

He grabbed a knife. He doesn’t remember why he had a knife in his room. He cut himself over a scrape from the battle. It stung, but, but, but… some part of his brain rewarded him for it. So he did it again. He kept cutting himself until he was sure that he wouldn’t be able to pass off any more cuts as battle injuries.

Taako kept cutting himself whenever he had a moment alone, whenever there was a battle he could blame them on.

At some point his brain stopped rewarding him for it, and it was pure compulsion by then. He kept cutting, he kept cutting and he didn’t  _ like _ it, he didn’t  _ want  _ to keep cutting. He just wanted some peace. He just wanted everything to stop for a moment. 

That time, he used a very strong sleeping potion. He just wanted to _rest_ , which wasn’t to say he didn’t _mean_ to kill himself. He knew what he was doing when he drank the damn thing. He left his door open that night, making sure someone would decide to try and wake him up eventually. He just hoped it wouldn’t be Lup. 

And… who was he fucking kidding, of course Lup was the one who tried to wake him up. That was his biggest regret of that cycle. 

When they started the next cycle, Lup was hugging him before he could even register that he was back. Then she pulled back and punched him in the shoulder. 

“Taako!” she yelled, voice breaking. 

The rest of the crew shuffled awkwardly before retreating to give the twins some space. 

Lup forced him to sit on the couch with her. “Taako, I need to know what’s going on with you.”

Taako was silent. 

“Taako, I- I found your gods damn body,” she said through tears. “You weren’t  _ just _ dead. You were fucking covered in scars!”

Taako winced. He had kind of forgotten about that part.

“Please,” she whispered. “I want to help you, Taako.”

“I don’t… I don’t know,” was all he could say.

_ “Why did you cut yourself?” _

_ “I don’t know.” _

_ “What did you feel?” _

_ “I don’t know.” _

_ “Why did you feel like that?” _

_ “I don’t know.” _

~

“I don’t know…” Taako says, shaky. He’s leaning into Kravitz heavily. Kravitz rubs his shoulder gently.

“Do you need a break from this, love?” Kravitz asks.

Taako shakes his head. “I can’t stop right now, I’ll freak myself out.”

Kravitz hugs him a little closer.

~

He couldn’t stop himself from cutting the next few cycles. In cycle 58 it was a secret until Lup saw him staring at a kitchen knife, and demanded he tell her if he had hurt himself. Taako stopped trying to hide it. 

In cycle 59, Taako cut whenever he could. He cut  _ wherever _ he could. He sometimes sat outside the Starblaster just to cut himself. One of those times, he nearly passed out. He remembers it vaguely, like he wasn’t quite awake. 

He stumbled back into the ship, nearly running directly into Magnus. Magnus looked at him, at his arms dripping blood onto the floor and had yelled out for help. Davenport got there first.

“Oh fuck!” Davenport had yelled. “Merle!”

Barry got there next, then Merle and Lucretia, and finally Lup. Taako felt bad that she had to see him like that. 

He woke up in his bed, Lup lying next to him, Merle nearby, and the door open. Taako sat up, which woke up Lup, and Merle looked up. 

“Hey, bud,” Merle greeted him.

Lup just hugged him. She was crying, which made Taako feel bad and weird. He sat there until Lup let go of him, then stood up and started to walk out. 

“Wh- where are you going?” Lup asked, sounding distressed.

He paused. “Bathroom?” He hadn’t really had a destination in mind, just needed to move.

“I’ll go too,” Merle responded. 

“Huh?”

Merle and Lup exchanged an uncomfortable look. “You’re on suicide watch, buddy,” Merle answered.

So that’s how it was for the rest of that cycle. Someone was always in the same room, keeping an eye on him. He tried to explain that he really  _ hadn’t _ meant to kill himself that time, but that didn’t give him much leverage even with those who did believe him.

When they started cycle 60, Taako snapped at them. He was done having a baby sitter. They let him off with a promise that he would tell someone if he felt like hurting himself.

At first it was just quiet things. He went to Lup usually. At first he didn’t even really tell her. He would just show up in her room, not saying anything. She had been confused, but quickly caught on and would try to distract him from anything he might be feeling. 

Half way through the year, he walked into the common room. Lup, Barry and Magnus were there, Lucretia was in the next room over, and he had no clue where Merle and Davenport were.

“I’m going to cut myself,” he announced to the room.

Lup bolted up from the couch. 

“Wait, just-” Taako held up a hand. “Listen to me for a second.”

Lup stopped a few feet away from him, and Barry put a hand on Magnus’s shoulder to stop him from rushing over.

“I- I need to do this. I know that sounds so fucked up, but I promise, I just need a few minutes of this, you can- I mean- You could time me, or, or, or wait outside the door, or, uh, check my knife or,  _ whatever _ . You can get Merle to heal me right after, but I  _ really really _ feel like I need to do this.”

Lup moved to his side. “Taako, please don’t, it won’t  _ help _ .”

He bristled. “Lulu, I- I’m going to. You- you can’t change my mind. I know it makes you feel bad, but I- I’ve gotta. I just- I wanted to tell you so you won’t feel as bad, and- and like I said, you can bring Merle to heal me, but- Lup, I really need to do this right now.”

Lup made a frustrated sound, her ears pinned back in worry. “Taako, I- Please.” She stepped a little closer, reaching out for him. 

“I- I’m sorry Lup. I’ll be in my room.” He Blinked away.

“Taako!”

He did let Merle heal him right away, and let Lup cling to him for the next week or so, and the next time he felt like cutting, he went back to Lup. He let her distract him, and he fell asleep in her room.

Almost a month later, he looked around the common room from his spot on the couch. Lup, Barry, Merle. Perfect. 

“I’m gonna cut,” he said, standing up. 

Lup was up as soon as he was. She grabbed his arm. “Wait.”

“Lup, I-”

“Just wait,” she said. “Wait, just a few minutes, please.”

Taako swallowed hard.

“Just- Just two minutes. I-if you still want to in two minutes, you can, and Merle can heal you after, but please, just wait,” she insisted.

He knew it had to be some sort of trick, but- He sat back down. Lup sat next to him, her book abandoned, holding his hand.

He didn’t feel like cutting after that. 

He doesn’t remember how long it was until the next time. He had just woken up, and felt like shit. He walked into the kitchen for food, saw a kitchen knife and looked at it for a long moment. 

Taako walked out to the common room. Just Barry, looking like he’d been up for most of the night.

“Where’s Lup?” Taako asked him.

Barry startled slightly. “Still asleep, I think.”

He wandered to Lup’s room, and sat down on her bed next to her carelessly. 

“Wha’ the fuck?” she mumbled.

“Sorry to wake you up,” Taako said.

“Well, I’m up.”

Taako swallowed. “Sorry.”

“What?” Lup sat up. “What’s with you?”

“I want to cut,” He admitted. “Sorry to wake you up for- for this.”

“It’s fine, Ko, just- Can you wait a few minutes before you do? It worked last time.” 

Taako shrugged. They sat in silence for a few minutes. She held his hand, rubbing her thumb across his knuckles soothingly.

“Do… Do you still want to hurt yourself?” 

He let out a heavy sigh, nodded. 

“Will you wait again?” 

Taako’s hand went to his pocket. Why did he still have that pocket knife? Stupid.

“Taako?”

“I can’t- Uh- I’m gonna…” He trailed off, standing up. 

Lup sighed, her ears drooping. “I’ll… I’ll get Merle.”

At least he didn’t kill himself that cycle.

He did in cycle 63. It wasn’t that eventful, even. It was just an impulsive decision. He got himself lost in the woods, and started cutting. He couldn’t stop thinking, thinking that maybe the others wouldn’t even find him if he died. Maybe they would stop looking. It was pretty late in the cycle, after all. 

Lup would miss him, but… really, that wasn’t enough to stop him anymore. Taako felt like the worst person. He snapped at his family when they tried to help him, and couldn’t stop cutting even when they directly asked him to. He didn’t deserve them. 

So he killed himself. With a couple of higher level spells. It hurt that time, especially since the first one didn’t do the job. It hurt really badly, and he felt like he deserved it. 

He doesn’t know if they ever found his body that cycle. He knows Lup did miss him. He knows they probably all knew that he had killed himself that cycle. 

By the time Lup and Barry became liches, Taako had managed to mostly stop hurting himself. He still got urges occasionally, but focusing on other things usually helped. 

Faerun was different, though. Faerun was hard. It was hard not to think about all the damage they had done to the world. It was hard for them not to blame themselves. 

Taako cut himself a few times that year, most of them after Lup had disappeared. 

After forgetting, he started again. He started cutting a lot. He cut in the stage coach while he was traveling, he cut in the few inns he managed to pay for, he cut in the woods when they made camp for the night, he cut behind the stage coach after his shows, he cut wherever he could. He knew people had to have noticed, but no audience member, bartender or innkeeper ever said anything about it.

Being with Magnus and Merle helped a little, but it wasn’t until he got Lup back that he could stop. 

~

Taako wipes tears from his eyes, focusing on Kravitz’s breathing. He considers that for a moment, Kravitz is probably breathing more for Taako’s benefit than his own. He tries to match his breathing to Kravitz’s pace. “‘M here,” he mumbles into Kravitz’s chest. 

“Hm?”

“I’m here,” Taako repeats, and he’s sort of reassuring himself at this point, but he also sounds sort of amazed at it.

Kravitz smiles gently. “Yes you are,” he agrees.

Taako looks up at him. “That’s pretty great.”

Kravitz’s smile grows. “Yes it is. I love you.”

“I love you too.” He pulls Kravitz down for a quick kiss. “I think I want to stay here this time. For real, you know?”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.


End file.
